Friday Funnies
- Thread starter Matt
- Start date
Help Support Twingo Forum:
Some people may not find this joke funny, but owell....
"I've always wanted to know what it would feel like to be a woman.
So i filled a handbag full of make-up and receipts, then crashed my car into a fence."
Also
"My wife said 'I'm bored, can we try a new position?'
'No' i replied ' You're staying in the passenger seat where you ******* belong!'
Honestly am not sexist
lol
"I've always wanted to know what it would feel like to be a woman.
So i filled a handbag full of make-up and receipts, then crashed my car into a fence."
Also
"My wife said 'I'm bored, can we try a new position?'
'No' i replied ' You're staying in the passenger seat where you ******* belong!'
Honestly am not sexist
lol
Leanne
Well-known member
HigtonA":3i5bpx0i said:
^^ nope that was not funny!
![DZSFTY [Replacement] for Renault for Twingo for Scenic for Megane for Laguna for Kangoo for Clio II 2 for MK2 172 18 for Logan ABS Car Gear Shift Knob Lever Shifter Stick Pen Head (Sliver)](https://m.media-amazon.com/images/I/31XJvjySvmL._SL500_.jpg)
Leanne
Well-known member
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
ONE......He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
What did God say after creating man?
I can do so much better.
Why is it good that there are female astronauts?
When the crew gets lost in space, the woman will ask for directions.
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
ONE......He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
What did God say after creating man?
I can do so much better.
Why is it good that there are female astronauts?
When the crew gets lost in space, the woman will ask for directions.
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
Leanne
Well-known member
actually lol'd at the beachball one :lol:
singlespeed
Well-known member
The Ferrari being done over by the smart reminded me of this clip
Trans-Am getting the finger from a 23,000rpm scooter :lol:
[youtube]kx8UX3AzACQ[/youtube]
Trans-Am getting the finger from a 23,000rpm scooter
:lol: [youtube]kx8UX3AzACQ[/youtube]
singlespeed
Well-known member
Knowing personaly how much damage and pain can be caused from a bicycle at 30ish, it is a bit of a cringe moment, thinking of the result at those speeds :shock:matbry01":161l12i1 said:
Leanne
Well-known member
Giving 100%
What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than
100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to
give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these
questions:
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that
While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close,
and Attitude will get you there, it's the ******** and Ass kissing
that will put you over the top.
What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than
100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to
give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these
questions:
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that
While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close,
and Attitude will get you there, it's the ******** and Ass kissing
that will put you over the top.
Leanne
Well-known member
Another I got today! :lol:
We always hear 'the rules' from the female side. Now here are the Rules from the male side. There are our rules:-
Please note.... these are all numbered '1' ON PURPOSE!
1. Breasts are for looking at and that is why we do it. Don't try to change that.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If its up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Saturday = Sports. Its like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. and no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: subtle hints do not work! strong hints do not work! obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem.
See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you think you are fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
1. if something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. you can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit.
We have no idea what Mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. if we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing', we will act like nothings wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is find. Really.
1. Don't ask us what we are thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics and Sex, Sport, or Cars.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.
1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that, its like camping.
Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh.
Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them an education.
We always hear 'the rules' from the female side. Now here are the Rules from the male side. There are our rules:-
Please note.... these are all numbered '1' ON PURPOSE!
1. Breasts are for looking at and that is why we do it. Don't try to change that.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If its up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Saturday = Sports. Its like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. and no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: subtle hints do not work! strong hints do not work! obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem.
See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you think you are fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
1. if something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. you can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit.
We have no idea what Mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. if we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing', we will act like nothings wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is find. Really.
1. Don't ask us what we are thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics and Sex, Sport, or Cars.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.
1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that, its like camping.
Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh.
Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them an education.